Who I Really Am
by Atemusluckygal
Summary: Feeling guilty, Yami casts himself away from everyone else in grief over losing Yugi. Sad Yami. : Angsty. Set in the Orichalcos saga. Yami's POV. YamixTea, though more subtle than my other ones. Author is angsty too, so this came out great. :D


**Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!.**

**Plain and simple, here are the reasons why this was written and posted:**

**1) I wanted to test my ability to keep characters in character by impersonating one of the most enigmatic characters in the show. Hence, first person Yami Yugi's POV.**

**2) I've never done present-tense before. Wanted to try that, too.**

**3) Second day of winter break, I received a speeding ticket + traffic school that is going to slurp up all my Christmas shopping money. So now I'm broke, bored, and angsty. Hence, angst.**

**Enjoy!**

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I cannot seem to find refuge anywhere, no matter where I go. At least I'm too numb to be bothered by the cold.

The desert seems to go on forever – desolate, dark, and uninviting. Only the sand dunes and the stars serve as objects to keep my eyes from meandering about an empty place. There is nothing I want more than to step out of my body and mind and run away, as far as I can without stopping or looking back. I want to escape myself. I want to escape what I've done.

"_It only needs one of us, so I'm letting the Seal take me instead…"_

It does not matter how many times or ways I have tried to get Yugi's voice out of my head during that moment of abject horror; it never works. I can still recall the moments of which Yugi's soul was, almost literally, being pulled out of our shared body, destined to be sealed away and fed to the Beast. It was as if someone had sucked the warmth from my soul, and now I'm left alone to wander in the cold, merciless dark void of my mind that I have condemned myself to.

Honestly, I don't know which thought is more distressing: the fact that Yugi is gone, or the fact that it was my fault that he is. I replay the sequence of events in my head, and ask myself the same questions. Why didn't I heed Yugi's warnings? Why did I activate the Seal when I didn't have to? When and why did Yugi decide to pay the price for my stupid mistake? It just doesn't add up. I am not worthy of that kindness.

I used to believe that I was my _own_ person – a good person – despite sharing a body with an innocent civilian. My very intentions were to protect the ones I love from an evil that is out to get _me_. But now that Yugi is gone, I know who I _really_ am… this miserable person that's left here alone to grieve, capable of so much more evil than good. It is clear that this is who I really am, and who I'll ever be.

Tea's face appears at the window of the trailer; I can see her from the corner of my eye, albeit she probably does not know it. Her brow is arched upward in concern and a sad frown creases her face. I know that she cares about Yugi – after all, they were friends long before either of them knew I existed. But it hurts that she is concerned for me as well. I was the one that did wrong, and I deserve no sympathy. Feeling like a guilty criminal, I cast myself away from the group, stepping outside the warm and hospitable trailer and away from my friends and the Hawkins, to shed silent tears by myself in the lonely night.

I detect Tea's indecisiveness to join me outside, her gaze jumping back and forth from me to the door. I sincerely hope that she doesn't; as much as I have loved her for the kind person that she is, I feel that I am incapable of any sort of social communication with another person. My mind seems to be on a different channel than the rest of the world.

To my dismay, I hear the door of the trailer creak open, the sound magnified by the silence. I don't move or make a sound, hoping to subtly discourage the newcomer from attempting to get my attention. If it is who I think it is, however, there will be no such luck.

"Pharaoh?"

I say nothing. I silently pray for her to give up and return inside.

"Pharaoh, please come inside… it's freezing out here, I don't want you to get sick…"

Of course Tea would say that; her care for her friends reaches beyond measure. I feel obligated to at least acknowledge her. I take a deep breath, but remain adamant to my position facing forward.

"I'll be fine, Tea. Don't worry about me."

It almost surprised me how rough and weary my voice sounded as it carried my words. I don't think much of it; though I'm sure it concerned Tea even more. Soft footsteps in the coarse sand follow a small hand on my left shoulder. My body goes rigid and an involuntary intake of breath rushes in at the first human contact I have received for hours.

"I can't help but worry about you, Yami." At this point she hesitates, as if she was unsure of whether to continue with what she was about to say.

"Look, I know you miss Yugi… I mean we all do… but moping around like this isn't healthy, and it's not going to help our situation…"

The truth in her words stings. I internally hiss at the verbal impact. She wasn't being vicious at all; in fact her message was delivered in the most diplomatic way. But I know, underneath those layers of kind and soothing words, she was implying that I need to grow up and take the initiative for rescuing Yugi. The sad thing is… I agree with her. In fact, I've known that for a long time; I just couldn't summon the will power to suck it up and participate with the others in dealing with it.

"Will you at least look at me?"

I couldn't. I could not bring myself to look into her eyes. I probably look like a mess right now. I can still barely feel the cold touching the residue of all the tears I have shed today. My eyes are itchy, tired, and probably red. Nevertheless, I have to oblige. For Tea, at this point, I could do no less.

I turn my head to her, locking eye contact with a sea of cerulean blue. To my surprise, I notice tear tracks trailing down her face as well. How long had she been crying for Yugi's sake… or mine?

Instinctually, I bring my hand to her face and thumb the tears away. She doesn't move, save for the shivering from the chilly air; she allows me to continue as fresh new tears began to fall.

"Please don't cry, Tea…"

What am I saying? I feel so out of balance right now. All of a sudden my feelings for her are starting to emerge and mix in with my anguish and sorrow. My heart starts pumping faster, and now I am starting to notice the cold. I bring her in for a close embrace, holding her tight against me. She immediately returns the hug, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder. Her warmth… her presence… as much as I have resisted it all this time, it's the only thing that has consoled me in many, many hours of heartbreak and guilt.

Neither of us makes any effort to let the other go. I think that Tea needs comfort as well as I. After all, Yugi is no longer here; that is a loss for not only me, but for everyone as well. I start to rub small circles on her back, and I feel her head relax and weigh further down into my shoulder. If I can't pull myself out of this depression, at least I can provide comfort for her. It almost makes me feel… useful.

I feel her pull back slightly, so I loosen my grip on her. Our eyes locked on each others'. She lifts her left hand and delicately places it on my right cheek.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asks.

I can't think of how to answer, because I honestly don't know.

"Tea, I… I just don't know," I answer. "Will you… help me?" I am still unsure of why I even dared to ask, but the words came tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

A small smile dances across her lips. Before I can react, she places both hands on my face and leans in for a brief… kiss? Is this really what is happening?

The release said it all. She did in fact, kiss me, as I felt soft lips depart from mine. All day I had anticipated a bolt of lightning to strike me in the head, and possibly kill me (or so I had hoped), but this was by far the least I have expected to happen tonight. And what else? I do not seem to mind, and neither does she.

I now realize the error in my ways; not the errors of which resulted in Yugi being kidnapped – I had realized that long ago. But my friends, despite my transgressions, are by my side and are willing to help. They _do_ care, and no matter what I do, they always will. I do not deserve such compassion, but I accept it, and Tea's requited feelings, with the utmost gratitude.

I take her hand in mine. "Shall we go inside?" I ask. She grins widely at me.

"Of course." We walk back to the trailer, hand in hand, anticipating the cozy warmth that awaits us.

"Time to get Yugi back."

THE END

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I feel slightly less angsty now.


End file.
